cottondragon

6 years ago I brought a dog home with me. He wasn't just one dog, he was mine, he was THE dog. The one you seek for a lifetime, the one that makes you whole. I found him in our shelter. He came as a very angry boy jumping against the fence growling, snarling, showing everything he has and he meant serious business. The first time I saw him he was an outrage of fury and I was glad that there was a fence between him and me. His name was Tobi and he is a Rottweiler. 8 years ago (he spent 2 years in our shelter) I was very impressed and anxious to handle a dog like him as I didn't have enough experience. You must know he liked to use his teeth. When his owner-who had kept him in the garage only, training him to bite-brought him to the shelter he said: "that dog… either you put him down or you find a man who stais firm to handle him. He needs a dominant and harsh hand. He is unpredictable and he will tear you apart if you don't dominate him". The dog had bitten off the man's finger and didn't let him near him anymore. So he had put a muzzle on him to prevent the dog from biting him.
As I said, I was too anxious to handle a dog like that so my friends in the shelter tried to work and resocialise him. Of course all of them were men as-well a big, strong dog like that needs a man to handle him. The first man he tore apart, indeed he did. 24 stitches were needed to sow him up again, his arm and leg were one bloody mess. Not only that Tobi the dog bit, no, he also shook which is really bad as a dog who bites and shakes tries to do severe damage-willingly. The second man couldn't even open the door to Tobi's room as he was so furious. The third man managed to take him out for a walk-only to ring 10 minutes later asking for somebody of the staff to come and take that dog away, he was standing in front of him growling away and poor man number 3 wasn't allowed to move. We were starting to wonder if we should put him to sleep. Well, thank god we didn't! The only thing the boy needed was LOVE. Talking gentle to him. It made all the difference! By the time I got to work with him he was not allowed to go out for walks anymore. I had to sign a paper to confirm that I am aware of all the risks. I felt sorry for the boy who wasn't allowed to have human contact anymore so I signed. When I opened his door my legs were shaking, I was really nervous, prepared for the worst case scenario. Nothing happened. I put the leash on his collar-nothing happened. I walked 10 meters-nothing happened. I walked for 2 hours-nothing happened. He was very distant, not seeking close contact but also not unfriendly. After 20 minutes I sat down to be on an even level with him and being the person I am I kissed his nose. The expression on his face was priceless, the large and growly dog was flabbergasted! I took him out for walks again. And again. AND AGAIN. Almost every day for 1 year. Then I took him home with me. He was my dog and I was his human, we both knew that. I renamed him into Pancho, new name, new life. I didn't have one single problem with the boy, not one! He bit me once last year but he was in real pain and he was friendly enough to warn me-I just ignored it. Shit happens. I never lost my trust in him as I knew and still know he would never EVER hurt me willingly. He was the best thing that had happened to me, I adore him. I learnt so much from him and he is the best friend I ever had. He went trough hell with me without hesitating. He knows my ups and my downs, he comforted me so many times when I broke down due to the bipolar disease I have. 5 weeks ago he was diagnosed bone cancer. My heart broke a little. Get rid of the pain with meds, that is and was all I wanted. Yes, yes I could have let the vets amputate his leg and shoulder but a boy with 11 years? No, there is absolutely no way I am ever going to do that. Until the day before yesterday he was fine. Now he can't stand up anymore. My sis and I went to our trusted vet earlier today, she will come tomorrow to send him over the rainbow bridge. My heart is scattered to pieces, I have no idea how I am going to live without him. I carried him into the garden so he can have a little pee without feeling guilty like he would if he did in my flat-I don't mind at all but he does. I'm curled up to him in the garden right now together with the rest of my gang. I won't leave his side for a second as atm he can only sleep when I hold him. Tomorrow he will close his eyes in my arms where he feels save.

Loving means letting go, this will be my last act of my endless love for you. My sweet baby boy, I love you so much.

After easter I have 10 days holiday ^__^ As much as I love my job, it is pretty exhausting especially the constant change of shifts :< Normally you work one week early, one week late so the body can adjust a little-well we have changing shifts almost on a daily base ;o; It is okay but still, I can't wait to have a little time for myself again <3

On Friday the police confiscated a total of 20!!! Rottweilers who were living in the most miserable conditions... If you are from Germany you might have heard about it in the news. The dogs came from an animal-hoarder. We got 10 of them, 9 females, 1 male. Some of them lived in the cellar with no daylight, hardly any food or water and no fresh air, 4 of them are close to starvation. None of them are healthy, they had fleas, all sorts of problems with the legs and almost all of them can't walk properly. It is heart-breaking especially because they are totally adorable, very friendly, appreciating every kind word they get. They shower you with love and kisses if you sit on the floor with them. It is still uncertain if all of them will make it, the vet will come to x-ray them and then we will see how bad their condition really is. I have a little video of the 4 who are close to starvation, I hope you can see it^^
www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4…

A lot has been going on in the past months, like-HELL OF A LOT ;_; Really awesome, good things and terrible things. Where do I start :'D Well, I went trough a hardcore depression after Bongo attacked me last year. It was so bad that at times I couldn't even get out of bed, everything was so difficult and strenuous. Idk if you know that feeling, it seems so silly looking back at it once you are okay again. The depression came sneaking in, first I thought "woah everything is fine" but then the doubts came. The evil doubts that question your whole existence. The kind of doubts that paralyze the mind, making it impossible to look forward, you are stuck in a kind of limbo. But I managed to get out of it again-well with the help of my happy-pills Seriously, if you are stuck in depression, go to a doctor, some problems *no, not all of them* indeed are solved with pills. Simple and easy  
Then, around november my very good friend Petra (I think I mentioned her here and there) lost her job. It is horrible to see a person you love giving up and there is nothing you can do about it. She found her fake-peace in alcohol, there were times when she rang me at 3 in the afternoon and was unable to speak one clear sentence as she was so drunk. Worst was that her dog died unexpectedly on christmas day. I spent my christmas crying with her at her place. One sentence she repeated again and again: "I want to die". She lost everything that gave her a reason within weeks and again, there is nothing you can do to heal the broken heart, it needs time. But she is not willing to let time heal, she is so desperate. The day before yesterday was her third attempt to commit suicide. I told her, "you are not going to die, I won't let you". She is "my" person, nobody understands me like she does. On the other hand I know how it feels like wanting it to end. But every time I made the decision, a wet nose poked my hand. My dogs are everything to me and I am sure everybody who has one knows what I mean. They saved me in so many ways. Petra has no dog to save her anymore. She just had this one and she lost him. And now she is a person without a reason. So much worry and I have no idea how to help her as she doesn't want to be saved. 
On a happier note, Rottweiler Nr. 2 moved in with me in January. Yes, right, Zeus from the shelter Now his name is Marley, he is adorable and totally banana :'D A very protective, strong personality and I am glad I have so many years of experience. He is on a good way though, very willing to please and a joy to work with. I'll post some pictures of my whole pack once the weather is better ;D
Best thing comes last, I got a new job ^_^ One with a "deeper meaning": I am working in a residential care home for the elderly, specializing in psychiatry. Alzheimer's disease, dementia of all kind and schizophrenia. It is a hardcore job but the joy and deep happiness it brings-it is so worth it! A lot of my old people don't remember my name but they do know that I am the kind of person who likes to hug so a lot just come up and hug me as this seems something they can remember :'D I can't even start to describe how heart-warming this kind of work is. On the long run I want to introduce service dogs to our care home, my favorite of course would be a pitbull or staff-bull ;D I'm still looking for a rather young dog from a rescue as none of my dogs are suitable for this kind of work and I wouldn't be too happy if my old ppl and the dogs decided to have a bitch-fight o_O (and I am not too sure to be honest who would win it xD)
Life is awesome, some things won't make sense in the beginning but they do have their purpose and their reason-we just need to find it. We need to find something that brings peace to our soul, it might lie in the total opposite direction of where we started our journey. Just don't ever give up, I truly believe that everybody can be happy and that everybody has a meaning in the big picture When I was young my greatest dream was to save the world. Today I am grown up and know that I can't save the whole world so I changed the definition. Now I am saving tiny, tiny worlds, those of one single, desperate animal and those of one single, lonely old person. I've never been happier in my whole life!

Yesterday one of my dogs I train literally tore me apart-well my arms that is oo" No idea what I did to trigger him that badly but he attacked me 5 times and if my Petra hadn't been I think he wouldn't have stopped... He never bit before just growled- which he may- if he doesn't want something. So ofc I didn't have any protection on, haha... The sleeves of the jumper I had on are soaked in blood from wrist to elbow on both sides. I have between 7-9 holes in total, left arm is numb, both arms are damaged as I acted and reacted like a total beginner *siiiiigh self control, where were you??* He-he just didn't stop attacking it was kind of frightening, knowing that whatever you do-you will lose this fight. And now I can't tell my fucking brain to blank it out, I always have those pictures in my head, they won't go away ;o; Those blunt eyes and the biting, again and again. Right now I feel totally wrecked, emotionally wrecked that is. Nothing makes sense, I just can not understand why... I love that boy, I still love him and I know he loves me and he didn't mean it but it hurts so badly. Both physically and emotional. That feeling of being totally and utterly helpless-boy that is the worst feeling I ever had. So ja I look like a bloody marshmallow and stuff myself with pain killers and alcohol :'D And right now I really doubt myself-idk maybe it still is the shock and those bloody flash-backs. It is over now but my brain keeps on going trough it making me burst into tears every couple of minutes. How the hell do I make it go away, has anybody got an idea-please?